To sleep…..

I wrote this a couple of weeks ago, feeling somewhat desperate.   Since then I have continued with the medication, been to the GP (who was very helpful), and gradually begun sleeping more.  But I decided to publish this anyway, in the interests of ‘keeping it real’ – this is life, we take the good and the bad together.

And if I’ve neglected to read and comment on your blog, or to respond to your comment on mine, I do apologise.   I’m working my way through my backlog of ‘stuff’ at the moment, but it will all take a while to catch up.

I have been overwhelmed by a long-standing inability to sleep enough.  The past couple of months have been particularly difficult.  I have done whatever I have been able to manage, but have also had to absent myself from some things I really wanted to do (farm meetings; a friend’s 60th birthday party) because I knew I simply wouldn’t cope with the added disruption to already disrupted sleep.  And most weeks I’ve had at least one day when I was so exhausted that all I could manage was to go for a walk, to put one foot in front of the other and just go.  No thinking or planning or destination needed.

I know this is not something truly awful in the scale of things (I don’t have cancer or any other life-threatening or life-limiting disease; I don’t have to do anything I don’t feel up to doing; my life is generally very good).

On the other hand, if you haven’t experienced the effects of long-term insomnia maybe you think it’s just like having the odd bad night.  I can tell you it’s a very different thing.  An average night of 5 hours sleep is just not enough for me to cope on.  I can do it for one night or two, but not week in week out for months on end.  I am no Margaret Thatcher (in more ways than just the sleep department, I hope).

A few days ago I wrote a post reflecting on some of the things that may have kicked this off – all of them normal parts of everyday life for most of us at some time or another: the stresses of combining demanding paid work (albeit part time) with multiple substantial (part time) family caring responsibilities; some challenging relationship issues in my extended family; effects of menopause (especially the many years of hot flushes day and night).

Then I decided it was sufficiently cathartic simply to have written it. I don’t need (or want) to publish it here.  But it did help me realise just how hard I am finding it.  Which in turn helped me resolve to put first the things that aid a better night’s sleep (and the converse – avoid the things that make it worse).

So – hello to a regular bedtime routine; ensuring that I stick to the ‘sleep hygiene’ rules we all know; revisiting medication tried some years ago but rejected because it was difficult to combine with the need for an early morning start to work; and saying ‘no’ to some invitations and trips and commitments that just don’t work for me right now.

It’s goodbye to late nights out, alcohol (no great loss for me – though I enjoy the odd glass of wine or beer, I’ve never been one to drink much); caffeine beyond the early afternoon; evening meetings or parties.

And thank you especially to Malcolm for being so supportive through all of this (and for being such a good cook).

My ambition isn’t massive: just to be able to sleep at least six and a half hours a night, every night, would be truly wonderful.

A week into the new drug regime, I seem to be managing just that, and am at last waking up each morning feeling refreshed and energetic.

Maybe I’m still recovering from a backlog of weeks and months and years of lack of sleep, or maybe it’s the effect of the drugs, because right now by late afternoon I’m fairly done in.  I’m hoping that will resolve itself soon, because it’s not how I want to be nor is it how I am when I’ve slept well.

But even so, I can do (and enjoy) so much more than has been possible of recent months.  Long may it last.


About deborah @ the magic jug

Now I've passed 60 I'm still doing all sorts of things I haven't done before, as well as carrying on with the things I already love. I live a happy life with my long term love Malcolm. In my blog I explore local and low tech ideas, food, growing, making, reading, thinking, walking, and lots of other words ending in 'ing'.
This entry was posted in Family, Reflections on life (and death), Retirement and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to To sleep…..

  1. Marian says:

    I’m so sorry you’ve been going through this, Deborah. I’ve never suffered with long-term insomnia, so can’t fully understand what this has been like for you, but I do know that I don’t cope well with lack of sleep for even ONE night, let alone weeks/months/years of it. I’m very glad that you’re finally getting some relief; may all the things you’re doing continue to work.

    (Gorgeous daffodils, btw! And the “Look on the bright side” made me smile … as well as to think, “Yes, I DO need to remember to always look on the bright side.” (And I’m now also wondering what a vacuum plater is!) Thank you, Deborah, for keeping your blog real 🙂 .)


    • Ha! no idea what a vacuum plater is, I just liked the ‘look on the bright side’ and the colour.
      The sleep is very up-and-down still, so I’m giving myself an easy time and taking things as gently as I need.


      • mlg1000 says:

        A vacum platers is a company which makes plastic bottle tops, model car wheels etc etc look like chrome……Invicta Vac used to be run by a chap called Tom and the original site was bulldozed for new housing……this site used to be a RAF control centre……now you know many years later.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you! a mystery solved. Dungeness is one of the places I’m yearning for the chance to go back to one day when this is done with.


  2. wendoxford says:

    Sleep or lack of it responsible for most of life’s ills, in my view! You could invert your days, doing the exercise/going out in the mornings, have a drink at lunchtime and then be primed for wind-down…Nothing better (because it feels so naughty!) than morning cinema; theatre matinees etc…I am still hanging out for daytime book group!


    • I’m definitely more of a morning person than a night owl. But I’m not ready to finish my day at 4pm yet. Though I like the idea of afternoon cinema and theatre – it does feel v naughty indeed, after years of work! The one thing I really miss is enjoying evenings with friends who do still work. It will come.
      Was reading blog earlier today of someone who goes to bed at about 6pm, gets up at 10pm for a couple of hours, then sleeps again till 3.30am when she starts her day. Don’t think I’m anywhere near ready to embrace that though!


  3. Sam says:

    Sorry to read you’re having sleep problems. I hope you manage to get your sleep pattern on a more even keel asap. Take it gently x


  4. Being without sleep is really desperate and I am so sorry to hear you are struggling with this. It sounds like you’re doing all the right things, though, and I really hope you start to gain more sleep. Sending lots of love 🙂


  5. Lucille says:

    It is hard to remember what a difference it makes to wake fully tanked up after a good night’s sleep. I do hope you are finding a way through this. I’m sure you are doing all the right things.


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